Quest for Love Online Dating by Scott LaMay
Grand Quest Wisconsin LLC
Written in response to Time's article: Online Dating Enjoying a Boom Among Boomers
By Amy Lennard Goehner
Is Online dating a path to ECONOMIC and SOCIAL stimulus in which may also facilitate boosting ones' pride, self-esteem, production, and perhaps keep marriage a foundational cultural institution and spiritual path to sharing oneness until death do us part bound by the marriage covenant? There may only be one more opportunity for divorced Baby Boomers to be married, with the right person. As so many romantics put it, "the clock is ticking!" This once simply implied a woman wanted to have a baby. Now its a cross gender term used loosely when our time is running out for a successful outcome.
A Green Bay woman, 53 years young, writes in her well written Match.com profile, "What I am looking for in a relationship is someone who will make my heart flutter and skip a beat whenever I think of him...someone who will take my breath away! I know he is out there, we just need to find each other." (She knows what she wants) She goes on to say, "I don't want someone I can live with, I want someone I don't want to live without!" There is a lesson, insightful vision, and encouragement in one sentence. And she is not going to settle for less. Good for her! Smart! Such passion! I hope this fun loving, spontaneous and adventurous woman meets her guy soon — together, living the dream.
Perhaps this is one reason why the casinos are wall to wall with boomers and the elderly who are dumping coins and pulling levers. The stakes are high. There is always the risk of losing, yet no one goes in with that intention. They may win big. If not, most risk-takers walk away leaving behind only what they were willing to lose. Online dating is a poor investment, but, there are always a few who come away winners. At least there is some real human interaction at a casino which is good medicine for the soul and can be momentarily fulfilling when hearing bells ring and tokens spilling onto the floor. But then again, there are support groups for habitual gamblers. Where are the educational support groups for those on a quest for love thru online dating? What is it that separates those who find love online and those who don't? Could it very well be persistence?
The media focuses only on the positive aspects of online dating. This is what draws the revenue. They have no cares, much less respect, for the individual involved. The negative aspects and consequences of the online dating experience are; disappointment, frustration, heartbreak, and potentially dangerous predicaments, as a direct result if not cautious.
Rejection can be devastating. Most people are kind in their response to end online communication or meet again after a first date, while others can be cold hearted. An undesirable experience affects people differently. For some, the constant thought that no one desires them for who they are may put them in situational depression causing them to withdraw. Some simply laugh it off. Others say it's their loss, not mine. I don't believe all the online dating hype. I do believe online dating does more harm than good industry wide.
Our society would be much better off if online dating were a government run program to help repair our social decay and virtually eliminate social isolation. We wouldn't need ObamaCare because people would be happy and healthy. It's not that simple is it? Please read on and take this to heart. Your life depends on it.
I've observed many inherent problems with online dating over the past decade.
Another problem is the type of relationship people seek narrows the field. (i.e. dating, discreet encounter, just hang out, friends first, long term, marriage)
The location and distance one is willing to travel reduces search results.
The number of paid members who can actually communicate through a site is disturbing to those who, whether excitedly or hesitantly, fork over the cash for this privilege, and may have done so because of one sole interest, only to find out they were not a paid member and couldn't make that initial contact—Frustrating!.
The number of incomplete and poorly written profiles turns away potential suitors by the end of the first paragraph.
Then there are height, body type, religion (equally yoked-various denominations), politics, income, children, must have a sense of humor, must not smoke, and all the other preferences and requirements, must have's and can't stand's, of an ideal mate that deter or prevent any contact.
Photos are important. While signing up, members are encouraged to post at least one photo that's less that a year old. Many people won't waste their time on profiles that don't have photos. There are several reasons people have for not posting a picture. That I understand. But people will always think the worst when a photo is not included. If you are a person of community influence, lawyer, doctor, or what ever, do include a brief reason for not posting a photo and include "Photos available upon request." Also, if a photo is not included, you will improve your odds by putting serious thought and your all into the profile—A marketing tool. Yes, you are the product and you do have to sell yourself. There must be a visual connection (full body attraction, not just facial) associated with outward appearance. This is true for most people and should absolutely be required before the first date ever takes place.
Chemistry
In the real world, visual attraction occurs naturally and is the first thing that takes place before a word is uttered - lets be honest. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but true love grows from inward attraction. The oxymoron is that who we are on the outside seems to be more important in today's culture than who we are on the inside. For long term relationships to flourish, these two aspects of self-care must co-exist and be aligned with the ideals of the potential suitor for chemistry to take place. Many say they must experience chemistry within the first 15 minutes of meeting face to face while others argue that chemistry grows over time. This is why most online daters only want to communicate online enough to feel safe, and then meet face to face. Chemistry isn't digital and few people are gifted to write so eloquently as to stir ones soul. When you have chemistry, trust me, you will know it. They say it's intoxicating because you are likely to lose control of your faculties and say and do things you said you wouldn't say and do. ;-)
Online communication with potential suitors lack important forms of human connection. They fall into non-verbal communication. They are; eye contact, gestures, posture, body movements, and tone of voice. All of these signals can convey important information that isn't put into words. By paying closer attention to other people's nonverbal behaviors, you will improve your own ability to communicate non verbally.[1] Written messages are often misunderstood and taken out of context. Be clear and fully explain what it is you wish to say. Never assume the recipient of a contact message or person viewing your profile will know what you mean to say. It's important to remember that initial contacts are with people who don't know you. So this is not a good place to use Internet short-hand or IM acronyms to express yourself or convey a message.
Hype
The numbers don't add up. Hundreds, sometimes several thousand, of new members daily? Yah right!
Lies and deceit
The timing couldn't be better. National Public Radio (NPR) just released an article on November 28, 2010, "Little White Lies Of Online Dating Revealed" (in its entirety)
Unlike most online dating sites, OkCupid matches its more than 3.5 million users based on their answers to various quizzes. The data help make matches, but site co-founder Christian Rudder tells NPR's Audie Cornish the information also reveals some truths we might prefer others didn't know.
Like plumping up a salary. "People statistically add about $20,000 to their yearly income when they're kind of putting it out there," Rudder says.
Rudder analyzes the data from the site, looking for ways to improve the matchmaking process. The trends that emerged inspired him to share some of the more entertaining results.
"We thought that maybe the public would want to see some of the stuff, too," Rudder says. "We would take more interesting findings and polish them up for people to read."
Thus was born OkTrends, a blog that analyzes user data culled from the dating site.
'The REAL Stuff White People Like'
The results don't always paint the site's users in the best light. Take one recent blog post titled "The REAL Stuff White People Like," in which Rudder and his team tried to identify top interests by race and gender.
Initially, the results were disappointing. "Almost everybody loves Italian food," he says.
But after tweaking the algorithm, they started seeing something intriguing: People's interests tended to fit gender and racial stereotypes.
For example, top interests for white men included Tom Clancy, Van Halen, golfing and Harley Davidson. Top interests for black women were soul food, The Color Purple, gospel and Alicia Keys.
"That post, in particular, I think, was there just as entertainment," Rudder says. "Of course, it was a little bit expected that it would be so stereotypical."
So what was accomplished? Rudder admits he's not sure. "But I think people enjoyed reading that stuff."
Not So Lovable Qualities
Other OkTrends posts have revealed more somber realities about general attitudes in the OkCupid community and the online dating world in general.
One such entry was "How Your Race Affects The Messages You Get."
"We found some kind of depressing things," Rudder says. "Foremost, that black people get the worst response rate across the board — not just from white people, but from everyone. Yet black people give the most responses per message sent to them. It's a weird imbalance."
Rudder says he was particularly surprised by these results. Although many users claim to be open to dating people of other races, it rarely happens on OKCupid.
It's amazing how picky people actually are, Rudder says, and how often they misrepresent themselves.
"But also I'm amazed that so many people are, like, bold enough to put themselves out there and meet basically total strangers online and then eventually in person," he says.
Why is it that the most expensive, most profitable online dating sites get the media's attention? Have you seen any articles that interview free dating sites such as Plentyoffish.com? Are free sites not successful in serving a greater good and purpose in our society than those which charge more than they are worth just so they can afford to get in our face and tell us we are missing out on something truly special and amazing on national TV, billboards, endless Internet ads, and unwanted e-mails?
Have you experienced that heart flutter fun loving girl talk's about? I have, and I don't need someone to tell me what I'm missing. But knowing this feeling is one sided doesn't make it go away. Feeling it just makes you wonder and long to know what could be more precious in life than to spend the rest of it with the person that makes you feel this way. We all know some of life's questions will elude us and do go unanswered. The adage by Alfred, Lord Tennyson, " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is obviously meant to give comfort to those who have never experienced true love for themselves. When we have experienced these indescribable feelings throughout our entire body, these words of comfort will never suffice.
Online dating is expensive whether free or for a fee. There are hidden costs financially and emotionally. Few would argue about its convenience. But in my opinion; online dating is a social ill playing out for the love of money - namely your money. Ah, but why be so materialistic? This is true love we're talking about! Wise Baby Boomers know first hand life is not about money because many have lost a big chunk, if not all, of their nest egg. After divorce, many struggle for years to get back on track to a prosperous future. We're heading for a health-less, bedridden, home-bound, socially isolated culture. Many Baby Boomers drive high mileage cars and are unable to afford an upgrade. These are good people with so much to give, yet feel like such losers, men and women alike, without having the ability to provide a relationship with any kind of real financial security. Money is the number one reason for failed relationships. Not having sufficient financial resources, most often over long periods of time, leads to hopes and dreams made in the early years and along the way to never happen. Broken promises and not seeing any hope of ever making one's dreams come true in a current relationship sends a subconscious signal to bale out of that relationship and start new with someone who can make [my] dreams realized. But there are walls and boundaries going up and life style changes that are preventing people who are searching for a mate, from ever finding one, much less the right one for the right reasons.
Social and cultural issues today are making headlines that can't be ignored, however, there are other relevant issues too which should be headline news and open for discussion. But because they are touchy subjects deemed; politically incorrect, may be hurtful or harmful in some innocent way, even when simply being objective in intention to pro actively, in a honest and loving way in which to facilitate positive change. Those who are unaware of, or choose to ignore, social and economic issues facing our culture today (perhaps not currently affecting you personally) may see Time's article, 'Online Dating Enjoying a Boom Among Boomers' as the hope and motivation needed to start or continue searching for love - to finding mister or misses right Online - a partner and mate to share life with. This means not just the good stuff or fun stuff, all the stuff, even the bad that will surely come up at some point in time in a committed relationship. This is one of those times we must accept it both ways, on a daily basis, if we want to have love for a life-time. We can't put the blinders on and we must be realistic. People do change and some people do lead secret lives. To love, we must be trustworthy, honest with ourselves and others, be kind, and lovable. We're living in an era when to live a good lifestyle; many people say two incomes are needed. We all know people out of work and losing everything, some may see finding a roommate or starting a relationship as a solution to their temporary situation. Finding a suitable roommate or other living arrangement is a great plan, but looking for a sugar mama or sugar daddy is a bad idea in the long run. It's not surprising that married people and escorts use online dating services too. We all gotta earn a living some how and have our needs met.
Online social networking is built on a platform that knows we interact with friends, family, and those who share our interests and passions. If you use facebook.com, you know how easy it is to make friends. My editor says, "it is EASY...WAY too easy!!" as she chuckles. But to use it as a tool to specifically meet new people for the sole purpose of dating, it's not so practical. Sure, there are ways to search for status, but how many people want to tell the world they are single on their facebook wall. I'm not ashamed and I believe those who don't include status as part of their profile are either. The stigmatism of being single has virtually vanished but it is still something that we simply don't care to share, especially on the Internet as a safety precaution and to avoid weirdos. Online dating sites know this too - They bank on it. How many of your facebook friends can you really call friends? Do you talk/write to them? Do you ever see them? Can you write the things that are really on your heart and mind - things that are important to you and affect you personally? Do you "comment" on or "like" what they write which shows up on your news page? Have you ever removed a so called friend because they didn't fit your interests, values, persona or circle of family and true friends? Social networks open the arena for stalkers, rapists, hackers, and lots of other scum out there. Here again is our non-verbal communication. People can say and post pretty much what they want... it is up to the viewer whether they want to believe it or not.
This is going to be a harsh decade for those trying to find love if over 40 and perhaps more trying for those over 50, and especially so for those who have divorced since 2000 whom have not found the 'one' yet. We may have to pay the price which is likely the marketing mindset making the Online dating industry filthy rich. But be aware Baby Boomer foreclosures are sky rocketing upwards of 80% from a decade ago. At any age, bankruptcies are fairly common during a divorce proceeding if the spouse is agreeable to it or right after divorce by the party left in dire straights. This among all the other fears and baggage baby boomers have, many who have come from broken homes themselves, we are becoming emotionally and physically unhealthy and a financially unstable society of people who are unavailable, unbecoming, or choose to avoid a relationship like the plague. Some people may turn to other alterative relationships, behaviors, or addictions to avoid commitment and/or the potential risks and heartaches inherent to dating and then to moving to the next stage of developing a committed relationship. My point here is that the dating pool is getting shallower and if jumping in head first, we're sure to hit bottom which could cause severe personal injury or even death. Since these waters are murky and the depth is unknown, it would be wise to wade in slowly so as to safely see how deep it is first.
~ Barbara DeAngelis ~
If you have a profile and are serious about finding someone for what ever reason, check your profile and see if you are holding back. If you are new to Online Dating and wish to use it as a tool to find someone, give yourself plenty of time before going online to think what you will include. Use a word processor to pre-type everything and save the file. Too many people I know, including myself, learned the hard way. If you lose your internet connection, you could possibly lose hours of work. Be creative, be honest, but do sell yourself and don't hold back.
Like a bad movie ending, the cliffhanger is to leave you ponder why finding, or staying in, love is so difficult? You may already visualize and long for the sequel. With many episodes' yet to script, become the author of your life. Look deep within so others can see you live out your authentic self in confidence within the safe confines of friendship, community, day to day activities, and while pursuing hobbies and passions. Interact on a personal level while avoiding impersonal distractions and outward influences. Inward characteristics, attitudes, and a healthy philosophy on life is very becoming and attractive to others. Be patient, yet persistent when necessary, in the quest for true love. Enjoy the journey, not the destination.